


Light From the Shadows

by boymeetsevils



Series: The Louis/James (Louames) Series [5]
Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Bonding, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-04-24 09:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19170937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boymeetsevils/pseuds/boymeetsevils
Summary: James brings Louis to his walker barn. They talk about the past and continue to grow closer.Fluff, basically.Part 5 of the Louis/James (Louames) series, but can also be read as a standalone fic.This series is now an "Everything is Fine/No one was Killed or Mutilated" AU. (Except Marlon, who is dead. This was mentioned in a past fic and he is mentioned in this one too.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This particular fic is split into several chapters, unlike the others in the series. 
> 
> If you'd like me to keep writing this pairing, please let me know! I am open to requests or suggestions. I just need more of this pairing.

Living at Ericson's Boarding School was nothing like James had expected. He hadn't expected the young kids to be so lively or for them to get so attached to him. He hadn't expected the older kids to welcome him with open arms, inviting him to their card games and group dinners. Most of all, he hadn't expected to find anyone that made him feel as happy and wanted as Louis did.

As much as he enjoyed the company and the feeling of social connection, every few days James would feel overwhelmed and return to his barn for a night.

As soon as he entered the barn, a sense of peace and contentment washed over him. The relatively quiet and still atmosphere was comforting to him, it allowed him to rest and regain his energy in a way that nothing else could. 

However, after about twelve hours alone, he would start to feel a dull ache in his chest. 

_I miss them_ , he realized. 

_I miss him._

He felt as if an invisible force was pulling him back to that school, tugging at his heart. 

During his long walks back to the school, he would feel nervousness and excitement building up as he got closer. Although he felt he needed some time alone, he couldn't wait to get back to the kids... his new family. Most of all, he couldn't wait to see Louis' smile when he saw him and to feel the boy's arms wrapping him up in a tight embrace.

The two boys had continued growing closer and closer over time. James had started thinking about Louis more and more, to the point where he rarely thought about anything else. He could tell that he was falling hard and fast for the other boy, but he pushed any fear to the back of his mind and let the happiness consume him. They spent most nights talking together or playing one of Louis' made-up games, shyly exchanging glances and sharing gentle kisses from time to time.

James could always tell when Louis was going to ask an important or serious question because he started fidgeting and a nervous edge creeped into his voice. One sunny afternoon, James noticed these telltale signs and subconsciously braced himself for what Louis might ask.

"So, James, you've seen where I like to hang out..." Louis started carefully.

"Where are you going with this...?" James asked, his tone clearly a bit apprehensive. 

"I was wondering - is there anywhere that you like to hang out? I know you wandered from place to place, but was there anywhere you kept coming back to?"

"I... sort of. There is one place," he admitted.

"...And? What's it like?" Louis prodded James' side gently with his elbow, a gesture that showed how much more comfortable they had become with casually touching each other.

James swallowed nervously. He had expected this to come up at some point, especially since he had been spending some nights away from the school, but he still didn't feel prepared to answer him. "...I'm afraid you might think it's... weird."

"Listen, James," Louis took the older boy's hand as he spoke. "I know I might seem like I... don't take anything seriously. But I do, you know... take us seriously. And I... want to get to know you more. I wouldn't... intentionally hurt you, or judge you, or anything, you know?"

"I... I know. You're very... openminded. Accepting. I'm just not... used to that. I still... expect everyone to judge me."

Louis frowned sadly. "Your former people... weren't great, huh?"

"I... yeah. Even before the world ended - I was around some... not-great people."

Louis' expression turned sour. "You know, the world was really fucked up - even before it ended. That's what I tell AJ - he didn't miss out on much by being born after this all happened."

James smiled softly at his response. "You see the world in such a different way, Louis. Making the best of everything."

Although part of James hoped that Louis would allow him to change the topic and forget about his earlier question, he could tell that he didn't intend to let it go without an answer. Louis' eyes searched his own for a moment, his expression soft as he waited patiently for a response. 

James swallowed and forced himself to speak. "There's a place. A barn. I... collect walkers there. It's not... as creepy as it sounds. My former people used to collect them to use them as a weapon. I do it to protect them."

"Is that where you go when you leave here?"

"Yeah. Every few days. When I was alone, I felt like I... I needed to. I don't feel like I need to so much anymore, but I still like to go back because it... it feels - comforting, to me. I know that it - it sounds crazy but... let me explain."

Louis moved close so that their shoulders were brushing against each other, hoping that James could feel supported as he could tell it was hard for him to speak about this topic.

James took a deep breath, nervously fiddling with his hands as he spoke.

"The way I see it... walkers are something in between a person and a monster. They were people in the past; their hearts have stopped working but part of their brain still functions - enough to keep them walking around, following sound. To me... people are more than the sum of their parts - there is some kind of soul in every person. I think... part of that soul must remain inside walkers."

Louis nodded, trying to communicate his understanding. James could tell that he was seriously considering what he was saying and trying to process the information. The silence made him feel too anxious, so he continued trying to explain.

"Do you remember how - before all this - people used to want to be buried next to their family?" James asked, hoping that comparing the walkers to an example from the old world might help him understand.

"Yeah, I remember."

"People used to believe that... the bodies of the dead were more than just an object. The body was... basically a former person... It's nice to... try to respect what they used to be."

"I'm not that surprised, you know," Louis stated calmly, seeming unphased by what James had just told him. "I know that you can guide walkers and used to live among them. I noticed that you never kill them. I just didn't know exactly how much you... cared about them."

"I - I do. Care about them. I didn't... have anyone - anything - else to care about... for a long time."

"I'm glad you found something to care about. If I - If I was in that situation and I didn't die right away - I think I might have lost my mind, being alone. Would've started talking to myself constantly."

"I - please don't think I'm crazy," James said, bracing himself to admit another vulnerable part of himself. _If I'm going to talk about this, I might as well tell him everything,_ he thought.

"I won't," Louis reassured him.

"I did - talk to myself and to the walkers, a bit. Only a little. It was the only thing that could help me get outside of my own head in some way. I know that... they don't have the capacity to understand words. But it still... helped."

"It's okay, James. I'll - be real for a minute, too," Louis took a deep breath. After James had been so open and vulnerable, he felt it was only fair for him to divulge some things about himself as well. "I talk to myself sometimes, even though I don't live alone. Sometimes... I talk to people who I know aren't there. Marlon. My parents. Sometimes just in my head, sometimes out loud. We... we do what we have to to get by in this shitty world. I get that. I don't think you're crazy. You're human."

For a moment, James was at a loss for words. Louis was so incredibly openminded... and kind. He didn't make him feel like he was crazy - instead, he listened and tried to empathize with him. He found a way to connect their experiences, focusing on how they were similar rather than different. He was starting to trust him and care for him so much but he couldn't quite remember how to express those feelings. 

"I... thank you." They were the only words that came to mind, despite the emotions he felt. He could only hope that one day he would figure out how to express his appreciation in a more eloquent way.

"So... will you show me the place?" Louis asked, his eyebrows raised slightly in a curious expression.

"Are you sure you want to see it? I don't want to... freak you out or scare you."

"I'm sure. It'll be fun! Besides, it'd be nice to know where you go so that if I'm ever looking for you, I'll know where to look. We can't help but worry sometimes when we don't know where you are, you know."

"You..." James was about to express his disbelief but held himself back. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to worry you. I...forget that... there are people who care about where I am."

Louis stood up, taking James' hand to pull him up with him. "I won't hold it against you. But I can't promise that the others will be as nice if you make them worried sick - Ruby's the one to look out for, just so you know. She's grabbed me by the ear and lectured me more than once. Fair warning."

James laughed, the feeling of warmth mixed with nervousness overwhelming his senses for a moment. He intertwined his own fingers with Louis', holding his hand as they headed out towards the barn.


	2. Chapter 2

"That's the barn, there. I told you it wasn't that far."

"Race you there!" Louis took off at full speed, passing James in a flash.

"You - wait! Louis!" The situation was so unexpected and the fear that Louis would attract walkers gripped James tightly, forcing him to run as fast as he could to catch the other boy. Near the top of the hill, James caught up to Louis and passed him, grabbing his arm and blocking his path to force him to stop. 

"You - you can't just- take off - like that," James chuckled breathlessly, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

"I didn't - think you'd - catch me -" Louis wheezed, slumping over to sit on the ground, breathing hard.

"You're worse - than the kids - you know that?" James laughed, sitting down next to Louis, close enough that their thighs were touching.

"Ouch," Louis whined, "there's a stitch - in my side."

"Maybe that'll teach you - to not run off - on me again."

"I didn't - know you were - so fast."

"Well, now you know," James said, taking a few deep breaths until he felt he could speak normally again. 

Louis moved closer, wrapping one arm around his waist. James felt his body tense up automatically at the unexpected closeness and willed himself to relax. He leaned into Louis' side, enjoying the intimacy of the moment as they sat in silence, waiting for their breathing to return to normal.

"You were worried I'd attract walkers?" Louis asked, smiling softly at the thought that James cared about him.

The older boy nodded slowly, looking at the ground and avoiding meeting Louis' eyes as he spoke. "I... don't want to have to kill them. It's... really hard for me."

"Oh, crap," Louis groaned, bringing one hand up to cover his face, "Sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry about something like that - something important to you." He brought his hand down and finally met James' eyes. "I'll try my hardest not to kill them. I promise."

They sat in silence for a few seconds. On one hand, James felt deeply moved by the gesture of kindness. On the other hand, he was afraid that sparing walkers might put Louis in danger, as he wasn't accustomed to being around them. 

"I would appreciate that. Really. But I... wouldn't want you to risk your life by sparing them. I know that... not everyone knows how to be safe around them."

"Would you teach me?"

"Really? You'd... you'd want to learn?"

"Hell, yeah, I'd want to learn. It'd be awesome to be badass like you - using your brain instead of violence to get by."

James felt his cheeks getting warm. "Then I'd love to teach you. There are a lot of things you can do to avoid killing walkers - like the mask, distracting them with sound, even tripping them if you have to."

"Do they ever try to get outside?" Louis asked, looking back towards the barn.

"No, they don't." 

"So you... spend time with them?"

James nodded slowly, his nervousness plainly evident in his voice. "I put up some windchimes in the barn, and there's a hole in the roof on the far side, so a nice breeze goes through sometimes. There's a landing of sorts, beneath the hole in the roof and above the walkers - sort of like an unfinished attic. That's where I sleep, when I'm out here. Close to the walkers, but safely out of reach. There's a ladder around the back of the barn but there's no way to get up there from inside."

"You didn't have a proper bed for a long time then, huh?"

"No, I didn't. The Whisperers... live like wild animals. They didn't have shelter or beds. When I was wandering alone, I would camp out in the open. In truth... walkers are much less dangerous than humans."

Louis frowned sadly. "You're probably right. It's horrible to think of what humans are capable of, but I know you're right. I wonder if... I'd even be alive now if I hadn't had Marlon protecting me since the beginning. I couldn't survive on my own." 

"I... didn't think that I could either. For a long time. But we're capable of more than we know. Sometimes."

Louis reached over and held James' hand in his own, slowly brushing his thumb over the older boy's knuckles. The touch was gentle but intimate, giving James the rush of strength and courage that he needed to ask his next question.

"Louis, would you..." James swallowed anxiously. "If you tried... walking with them... you might be able to see what I see. If you... if you wanted to."

"You mean... with the mask?"

"Yes. It might not fit you perfectly, but it should fit well enough. With the mask on, you'll be safe. I promise."

From the way Louis apprehensively looked towards the barn, James could tell he was afraid.

"What if I do something stupid, like trip over my own feet or get scared by a spider?"

James couldn't help but smile a little. "As long as you don't speak, you'll be safe."

"Should I hold my breath while I'm in there?"

"The sound of a person breathing isn't loud enough for them to hear over their own footsteps and the sound of the wind against the barn. Trust me. I've... spent a lot of time with them."

"You're... not afraid of them at all, are you?"

James shook his head. "No, I'm not afraid of them."

"Were you afraid the first time you walked in a herd?"

He nodded. "I was terrified. Shaking like a leaf. I was... very young at the time."

There were a few seconds of silence as Louis pushed down his fear and gathered whatever courage he had. He stood up when he had decided and James followed suit.

"You don't have to do this. I just-" James started, but Louis spoke before he could finish his thought.

"I want to," Louis said, a determined look in his eyes. They started heading towards the barn and James could hear Louis taking shallow, shaky breaths.

"They won't hurt you. I promise. Would I send you in there if I thought there was any risk?"

"No. You... you believe I can do it."

"I know you can. The windchimes are on the far side. When you touch them... you might see what I see."

James pulled the mask from his pocket, loosening the ties around the back so that it could fit over Louis' hair. 

After only a moment's hesitation, Louis pulled the mask on and turned towards the door. He met James' eyes and nodded, assuring him that he wanted to do this. Once he was inside, he shut the door securely behind himself.

\---

James waited outside the barn, every muscle in his body tense. He could feel his heart pounding rapidly in his chest, his fingernails digging into his palms so hard that he thought it might draw blood.

_Why do I care about this so much? Would I really stop having feelings for him if he didn't understand?_

_No, I wouldn't._

_But if he does understand..._

A thousand thoughts raced through his mind at once. He tried to concentrate on breathing deeply to calm himself, listening for any sounds coming from the barn. After a few minutes, he heard the faint sound of the windchimes and he knew that Louis had made it to the far side.

Louis stayed in the barn longer than James had anticipated - so long that he had started walking forward to peek through the boards when Louis stepped out of the barn, closing the door behind himself and pulling the mask off.

"Are you - okay?" James asked breathlessly, his eyes wide and full of concern.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Louis passed the mask back to James, slumping unceremoniously down onto the ground.

James sat next to him, waiting for him to speak again when he was ready.

"I... I hadn't thought about how walkers used to be people in a long time. It made me... think back to the first person I saw turn. One of the kids at the school. How it felt to see him as a walker - how it felt to see him after he had been stabbed through the head."

James listened quietly, letting Louis process what seemed like an overwhelming experience.

"Do you... think about who they might have been?" Louis asked, his voice sounding small and innocent, almost child-like.

"All the time," James admitted. "Everyone was once someone's child, someone's friend, someone's parent. I - I hope that whoever their family was, that they'd appreciate me... preserving them. As they were. Respecting their memory."

Louis nodded in understanding. "I... I think I get it. You know, I... when Marlon was alive... at the start... he used to kill the walkers for me when I couldn't. It was hard for me to kill any of them, but especially... our old friends. When they turned - I couldn't kill them."

"That's nothing to be ashamed of, Louis."

"Maybe not, but I - I feel... guilty, that I put all of that responsibility on Marlon."

"It sounds like Marlon really cared about you," James said, wishing that he could comfort him but unsure how to do so.

"Yeah. Yeah, he did. We were best friends for... most of our lives, I guess. He...did some bad things. Made some mistakes. But he wasn't a bad person."

"I'm sure that he... really appreciated having you as a friend from such a young age."

"If he had turned, I don't think I would have been able to kill him."

A tense silence hung in the air, Louis still processing the experience. James felt this was a good opportunity to ask the question that scared him the most, the one that was the most important to him.

"After seeing them at peace... do you think there might be... something more to walkers? More than just being monsters?"

"I... yeah. I do," Louis sighed, his expression downcast and pensive. "Seeing them in there... was like seeing a completely different side to them. But at the same time, I feel like I always knew they were... more. It was just buried under fear and... and bad memories. But I... I think I see it."

James felt a wave of relief and elation washing over him. He turned to Louis and wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in the younger boy's neck. "Thank you," he whispered softly against his skin. He couldn't find any other words to express the relief, gratitude and joy that he felt.

The sudden embrace took Louis off guard, but he responded automatically by pulling James close and gently running his fingers through his hair. He could tell that he was overwhelmed by emotions - they were so connected that he was sure he could feel what James felt. They held each other tight for a long moment, James' happiness spreading to Louis as well. When they pulled back just enough to look into each other's eyes again, they were both beaming from ear to ear.

"Aren't you glad that you showed me?" Louis gently teased, smiling his most charming smile.

"I am. I'm glad you wanted to see it." James' cheeks were flushed, his eyes shining as he met his gaze. "Would you like to... see the place where I sleep? Just around the back of the barn."

"I thought you'd never ask," Louis grinned.


	3. Chapter 3

James lead Louis around to the back of the barn, showing him the ladder that would lead them to the roof. Once on the roof, there was a large hole that served as an entrance to the landing where James often slept. Louis carefully followed the older boy down through the hole.

"Watch your head," James warned. "The roof is too low to be able to stand up here. It's just high enough to be able to sit."

Louis crouched over as he examined his surroundings. There were a few blankets laid over the wooden boards, a few books and a few scraps of food.

James sat crosslegged near the edge of the landing and Louis joined him a few seconds later. "It's not much," he said, sounding self conscious about his few belongings. "It's close to the walkers, and it's shelter from the rain. I... found it peaceful, here."

They looked down at the walkers from the landing above. They were surprisingly still, only occasionally shuffling to the other end of the barn. They seemed to be unable to hear the quiet voices of the boys on the landing above.

"We're too far up for them to hear us talking," James confirmed, as if reading Louis' mind.

He could understand why James found this place peaceful. In the evening light, sun filtered through the cracks in the wooden boards. The faint sounds of the walkers' footsteps created a familiar, comforting rhythm, similar to the sounds one hears if they were living with a group of people.

James read Louis' contemplative expression and he knew that he was thinking about the walkers. "I know they don't... have the same cognitive abilities or consciousness as we do... and yet, they're not dead, not alive. They don't... intend to cause pain. They just follow sound and smell - seeking food to survive, like anything does. They never kill their own kind. They just wander. Like I do."

Louis nodded in understanding. "I can imagine you felt... lonely. Hell, I know I would be. Sometimes I feel lonely if I haven't seen any of the kids for a few hours, let alone... years. I can understand why you'd like this place."

"I... was lonely, but I found peace here. Peace isn't the same as someone else's company, but it's... worth a lot, to me."

The younger boy smiled softly, noticing how James had said that he _was_ lonely, past tense. 

"How could you think to do all this?" Louis looked at James as if he was the most amazing person he had ever met - his expression a mixture of awe and adoration.

James noticed his expression and bashfully looked away, ignoring the fact that he could feel his cheeks getting warm. Something about that look made James' stomach flip from both nervousness and excitement. "My people - my former people - taught me the practice of collecting from a young age. I didn't come up with it." 

"You're the one who saw the good in them. You're the one who decided to use the practice for something good."

"I... yeah. I guess so." James smiled softly, his fingers fiddling nervously with the fabric at the bottom of his shirt. Louis took his hand gently and they quickly intertwined their fingers together, James holding on tightly. Their eyes locked for a long moment and he couldn't look away.

James found himself thinking about how Louis' eyes were a much lighter shade of brown compared to Charlie's near-black eyes. There was an earnest hopefulness and softness in them that he hadn't seen in so long - probably since he and Charlie started their relationship when they were young. Part of him felt guilty for thinking about Charlie at a moment like this, but he couldn't help it. It would take some time for him to get used to being close to someone other than him. 

Despite the memories of the past, he found himself getting lost in the younger boy's eyes. He found it hard to make eye contact with people most of the time - as if they would be able to see him the way he saw himself if they looked into his eyes for too long. Somehow, those thoughts and fears faded in moments like these. The fond look in Louis' eyes made him feel safe and accepted.

After a long moment, Louis looked away, his eyes shifting between looking down at their hands and up into James' eyes.

"So, ah, James - I've been meaning to ask something. We, uh, like each other, right?"

James smiled. Louis always stumbled over his words when he was nervous. They had been growing closer for a few weeks now, but he still noticed him tripping over his words from time to time. It make him feel warm inside, to think that he made Louis feel this way.

"Right."

"I mean - we _like_ like each other, yeah?"

"Yeah. We _like_ like each other," James confirmed.

"Okay, yeah. Cool. Now that I know that's not just my imagination - I guess I should ask my question. Um..." Louis hesitated, looking downward anxiously. "What do you think about... officially being together? Like... boyfriends?"

James only hesitated for a moment before responding. He had thought about it before, more often than he'd like to admit. "I... think that would be nice."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Does that mean... you're my boyfriend now?" Louis' tone showed his disbelief mixed with an earnest hopefulness.

"Yes, if you want me to be. I... would understand if you didn't want to tell the others right away, though."

"Why wouldn't I want to tell the others?" Louis blinked, his eyebrows furrowed slightly as if he was genuinely confused. "They've already noticed that... I feel something for you that I don't for anyone else. I don't care what anyone says, I just want them to know how happy you make me."

The outside world seemed to fade away in the background as Louis leaned forward, his eyes flickering between James' eyes and lips. Although they had kissed before, both boys still found themselves feeling jittery and nervous each time that it happened. James closed the distance between their lips, feeling familiar butterflies in his stomach as they kissed. 

The kiss was tender and heartfelt, passionate and gentle all at once. Somehow, every time they kissed felt like the first time to James. He felt Louis' arms wrapping around his waist, pulling him close. He pulled back slightly after a moment, just enough to speak. They both kept a tight grip on each other, reluctant to end the embrace. The tips of their noses brushed softly against each other as James spoke.

"I thought about asking you," James admitted. "I... really, _really_ like you. Care about you. Even... trust you." 

"I really, _really_ like you, too," Louis beamed. "And care about you and trust you."

As Louis' nervousness started to fade, he noticed that James was trembling in his arms. He could feel the conflicting emotions radiating from the older boy - affection and happiness mixed with uncontrollable fear. He knew that emotions could only be repressed for so long before coming to the surface. James willed himself to stop shaking, holding onto Louis tightly and squeezing his eyes shut.

Louis' mind raced, trying to think of some way to comfort the other boy and to ease his anxiety. He held him tighter, squeezing him slightly. He could only think to reassure him with words and hope that it helped.

"I would never hurt you... or anyone else. I promise, I'll try my hardest not to. You... don't have to change anything. I wouldn't want you to."

The feeling eased gradually and James' breathing slowed as he relaxed, the tremors fading and then stopping altogether after a few minutes. 

"I'm - I'm sorry, I-" James began, but Louis interrupted before he could finish. "Don't be. It's okay. As long as you-"

"I haven't changed my mind," James reassured him, sensing what Louis was going to say before he had finished speaking. "It's just these..."

"Feelings?" Louis asked, smiling softly.

James nodded, laughing breathlessly. "Since when do we finish each other's sentences?"

"I guess we... understand each other?" Louis looked at the older boy as if waiting for confirmation.

"Yeah," James sighed in relief.

"You know, I'm... scared, too. But I want to be with you even more. If that makes sense."

"It does. I feel the same."

Louis carefully slid his hand beneath the other boy's shirt ever so slightly, gently rubbing his thumb back and forth across the skin of James' lower back. James' heart fluttered at the touch.

He couldn't remember what it felt like to be loved, but he found himself thinking _maybe this is how it feels._

"Would you... like to lie down with me? Spend the night here?"

Louis nodded quickly, happy to take him up on the offer. "You're... alright with me staying in your bed?"

They had shared a room many times, but never shared the same bed before. James had felt too nervous about the prospect in the past, but he found himself wanting to stay close to Louis tonight- even as they slept.

"Yeah, I am. If you want, you can..." James' eyes flickered towards the other boy's shoulders, as if gesturing towards the coat he was wearing.

Louis quickly removed his coat and quietly tossed it into the corner. James swallowed, trying to stay calm as he removed his own vest and sweater. He placed them near the front of the bed and crawled onto the far side of the blankets, lying on his back and using the vest as a pillow.

A moment later, Louis laid down next to him, using the sweater as a pillow. James felt a shiver run down his spine - they were both wearing thin shirts and the night air was growing cold. He instinctively moved closer to Louis' side, snuggling into him and seeking his warmth.

Within seconds, he felt warm again - he could feel Louis' breath against his forehead and he could tell that the younger boy was beaming without even looking at his face.

"You can see the sky from here," Louis said, looking out through the hole in the roof.

The sky was a muted pinkish-purple colour, darkening quickly as the sun set in the distance. A few bright stars were starting to become visible, shining in the darkness.

"Mhm, you can. I thought it was... a nice view."

The two boys lay in comfortable silence for a long moment. James swore he could still feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins from their kiss earlier - though he was sure that their close proximity was contributing as well. Their sides were pressed together tightly, his arm resting on top of Louis', their fingers intertwined.

"So, James, I may have forgotten to bring my deck of cards, but how about we play our first game together as official boyfriends?"

How could he say no to that?

"What game are you thinking of?"

"How about... 20 questions? You get a chance to ask me 20 questions, and vice versa. You can pass if you need to... and no judgment regarding the answers."

"I'm pretty sure that's not how that game works..."

"Well, it is now. You actually remember what the real game used to be!?" Louis' asked, his tone showing exaggerated shock.

"I think it was... you get 20 questions to try to guess what the other person is thinking of."

"That's it? My game is way better."

"If you want to get to know me, you could just say so, you know."

"Hey, you... don't turn this around on me!"

James laughed softly, feeling truly happy in the moment. Louis sighed, feeling flustered, but he couldn't stop himself from joining in the laughter.

"You can't blame me for... for wanting to know more about you. You just walked in here one day and saved our lives - saved all of us - without asking for anything in return. Since then, spending time with you..." Louis paused, then rushed to finish his sentence. "They were some of the best days of my life."

The older boy seemed to melt at those words, his cheeks getting flushed once again. 

"Alright, I'll play your game."

Louis grinned, turning his head to meet James' eyes. "You're on, walker boy. You can go first."


	4. Chapter 4

James swallowed, thinking for a moment before he spoke. There were a lot of things he wanted to know about Louis, but he felt nervous about asking him questions in case they came across the wrong way. He decided to start with a relatively safe question. "Okay, um... How old were you at the start?" 

"I was 10. How about you?" 

"I was 12. I must be a few years older than you." 

"Exactly no one would be surprised by that. You're so much smarter than I am. Where are you from?" Louis met the older boy's eyes, smiling softly. He was pleased to see James smile back.

"Washington. The city. My dad and I travelled a lot, though." James paused, looking at Louis expectantly as he waited for him to reveal where he was from.

"Me?" Louis sighed dramatically. "Born and raised in West Virginia, sadly. I always wanted to move to a big city." He stopped for a second, thinking, before he continued. "Did you like Washington?"

"I did. It was my home. Where my family lived."

James' expression seemed uneasy, as if he was omitting something important.

Louis took a guess at what it was. He hoped it wasn't too soon to ask, but he had been itching to learn about James' past for so long that he couldn't pass up the opportunity. "You said... it had been a long time since you had been with someone. That means you've been with someone before. Is that where you met... them? If - if I may ask, I mean, you don't have to answer..."

There was a flicker of pain in James' eyes. Louis was sure that he saw it, even though James instantly tore his gaze away and towards the ground. He felt guilty for asking. "I don't want to hurt you. I just - want to know you. As much as you can tell me. If there are things you can't talk about, it's okay."

Their eyes met again and James' lips twitched into a small smile. He could tell that he appreciated the reassurance. Louis gave him some time to think before replying, gently brushing his thumb against the older boy's knuckles.

Finally, James took a deep breath as if he was bracing himself and then he replied, "Him. It's where I met him, yes. His name was Charlie. He... was my boyfriend from a very young age. Until I left the Whisperers. I... don't know where he is now. Don't know if he's dead or alive. But it's - in the past. I guess."

Part of James still cared deeply about Charlie, even now. But another part of him wished that he could leave him in the past and cut out the part of himself that was intertwined with his first love. He didn't know if he would ever be able to do that, but he felt a longing to move on as best he could.

"You were together for a long time," Louis said, more of a statement than a question.

"Yes, we were. Since before this all started."

"I'm sorry," Louis swallowed. "I'm sorry you lost him. I know it... must have been hard."

"...Yeah," James confirmed in a whisper. "Thank you. I'm sorry you lost Marlon - and other friends, too."

"Thanks."

The boys lay in silence for a while, Louis continually brushing his thumb against the back of James' hand, the gentle sensation of skin moving against skin comforting them both.

"Sorry," James eventually whispered.

"For what?"

"I didn't mean to... stop the game. It's... hard for me to talk about my past without mentioning Charlie."

"You don't have to apologize for that - I wanted to get to know you and you opened up to me. I just don't want to upset you."

"You asking me questions... it doesn't upset me, I just - I wish my past was different, that's all, but I want to get to know you, too." 

 _I wish I could forget the past,_  he thought.

_I wish I was someone else._

He was relieved when Louis interrupted his thoughts, his lips curved in a soft smile. "Can I ask... what were you like as a kid?" 

"Do you mean... how most people saw me, or the truth?"

"The truth. You've got me intrigued," Louis grinned.

"Most people saw me as a polite, well-behaved boy," James answered honestly.  "I was an only child and my parents got divorced when I was small, so I lived with my dad and spent most of my time helping him run his food truck. That is - until I met Charlie in school."

Louis raised his eyebrows slightly, listening intently as James continued.

"He started coming to my dad's food truck after school - almost every day. Asked politely if I was free to play with him. My dad didn't have the heart to say no. Charlie brought out a different side of me. A more... adventurous side, I guess. Charlie... wanted to experience everything. He acted like he wasn't afraid of anything, so I felt like maybe I could be fearless, too. I guess he was a pretty rebellious child. He liked defying the rules, defying social norms... And he rubbed off on me. With him, I started sneaking out late. Drinking. Stealing. Vandalizing. Things we kept secret from everyone. My dad never found out. He probably wouldn't have believed it, even if someone had told him. Charlie was good at playing innocent around him. I did feel guilty for betraying his trust, though."

"Were you happy when you were doing those things with him, at the time?" Louis asked, and James blinked in surprise.

"...Yeah, I was."

"If it made you happy at the time, I think he would be okay with it - after everything. He would have wanted you to be happy, right?"

"...Yeah, I think so. Thank you." James had never thought about it that way, but he knew that Louis was right. He felt a bit relieved to think that he didn't need to regret things that had made him happy as a child. They hadn't hurt anyone in the old world - not nearly as badly as violence hurts people, anyway. The childish acts of rebellion and defiance seemed so small in comparison. He felt like he could forgive himself for those - the violence was a different story.

James pulled his thoughts back to the present and met Louis' bright eyes with a smile. "And what were you like as a child?"

"Well, my parents were rich, like really rich, since before I was born. Because of that, I was obviously spoiled - and an only child, like you. Even though I had so much, I ... resented my parents, at the time. I don't think they ever really wanted or planned on having a kid - they just did it because they thought that was what people were supposed to do. They were strict - too strict, I thought. They spent money on me but they never spent time with me. They had a very specific idea about who they wanted me to be, and I could tell they were so... pissed off, every time that I stepped outside of that line. I never felt... wanted, you know? I never felt like I belonged. They acted like I was a huge disappointment because I was different from them. All the time."

Louis paused, his expression turning grim. "I was never a well-behaved kid - I wasn't happy at home and I started acting out. I met Marlon in the private school that my parents forced me to go to - I guess you could say he rubbed off on me, too. We would mostly play harmless pranks, disrespect authority figures, things like that - but Marlon had an angry streak that I never had, that's what got him sent to Ericson's."

"...What about you? If... if you don't mind me asking."

"I did something really bad. Really fucked up. I... broke up my parent's marriage. On purpose."

"Oh," James breathed.

Louis continued his story in a low voice, telling James the details about what he had done and the aftermath. The way he spoke made it clear that he still felt so much shame for what had happened. He sounded disgusted with himself.

"It sounds so stupid now. I mean - it was so stupid, to do something like that, just out of spite. I wish I had never done it. I used to imagine going back home, apologizing, convincing them that I had changed - and them getting back together and taking me back, as if nothing had happened. But... I can't. I have to live with this forever, and I'll never be able to even say that I'm sorry. Now, I realize that my parents weren't bad people - they may not have raised me perfectly but there were... so many good things about them, and about my life with them, that I took for granted."

"I used to... imagine changing the past, too," James said. "Being able to take things back. It's... hard to think about, now."

"I know that, from what you said, your dad was a good person. What about... your former people? Was there anything good about them?"

"No," James shook his head sadly. "There was no good in them. There was nothing human left in them."

"What about... Charlie?" Louis frowned, his expression and his tone clearly communicating the sympathy he felt for his partner.

James swallowed, trying to maintain composure while he spoke. "He was a good person, when I met him. Loyal. Loving. Brave. For a long time, I thought the boy I had met when I was a kid - the old Charlie - was still there, somewhere, deep down. But now... I don't know if he was anymore. I don't know if there was any good left inside him. The things he saw, the things he did... it broke something inside of him."

There was a long silence; the pain in James' words was almost palpable. 

"It broke something inside of _me_. Not - not just what he did. What  _I_  did, too."

He swallowed, his throat and his chest feeling tight. "I can't have any more blood on my hands. I just can't."

Louis was silent, struggling to find words. He felt as if he could feel James' pain, and he desperately wanted to take it away. After a moment, he realized that pain like that couldn't be taken away with words - but he hoped that staying with the other boy and feeling it with him might help, if only slightly. So he held his hand tightly, squeezing gently to let him know he was there, and when words came to his mind, he spoke from the heart.

"That's not who you are, you know."

"What do you mean?" James blinked, taken aback by the kind words.

"The past isn't who you are - there's so much more to you than that. You choose to do no harm, you choose to protect people and walkers, you choose to see good. The choices you make now, today - that's what really matters."

James took a moment to respond. He felt shocked to his core - he had never thought about himself that way. "Thank you. I'll... try to remember that." He felt a surge of affection for the other boy. He didn't know if he would ever be able to truly believe the kind words - but he knew he would never forget them. He wanted to believe it and it gave him hope to see that Louis believed it.

Louis fidgeted nervously as he asked his next question.

"Do you regret leaving your group? I... I can imagine how hard that was. To leave ... everything you knew."

James thought for a moment, trying to think rationally about the question rather than getting swept up in the emotions that the old memories brought to the surface.

"No. I don't regret it. It's... what I had to do. I had no choice."

He swallowed, and when he was ready, continued to explain. 

"When I was with the Whisperers... I didn't... I couldn't - feel... much. Anymore. The feeling of being connected to Charlie was all I had left. We were with his parents at the start, but they died early on. But I had him, and that was enough... for me to keep fighting. For a while. Until I... realized how wrong all of the violence was. But he didn't. Then I couldn't stay. I asked him to come with me, but he wouldn't leave."

Louis frowned sympathetically, tightening his grip on the other boy's hand. He wanted to help - wanted to say the perfect thing that would make James feel better - but he couldn't figure out what that was. He thought about how much pain James had experienced in his life, and there were no words to express how that made him feel. 

"For a long time... after I left... all I remember was the pain. Eventually, it started to fade and I started to feel _human_  again. I started to feel _free_. One day, it finally sunk in - that I would never have to kill again. That I was free to make the choice, and I could choose not to be violent anymore. When I realized that, I was so relieved - I can't explain it. It was like the heaviest weight in the world had been lifted from my shoulders. After that, I started to feel things again. I remember... seeing a flock of birds one day, and it was like seeing birds for the very first time. I could suddenly see their beauty again and I felt... maybe not happiness but something close to it. I started protecting animals whenever I could, and then walkers, and I felt like I needed... the feeling it gave me."

Louis was so relieved to hear James talk about how he had started recovering after everything he had been through. He was amazed by his resilience and his ability to hold onto hope even after he had lost everything. "I hope you feel even better now."

"I do. Having... friends... feels really good," James' voice had a tone of disbelief, like he could hardly believe what he was saying.

"Good. I want you to be happy with us - and with me. I'm... really glad that I met you and that you were able to... feel, again."

"I am, too."

"Do you think we would have been friends, if we had met when we were kids?"

"I don't know," James said truthfully. "I never had many friends, apart from Charlie. I'm sure you were well-liked - one of the popular boys, if I had to guess."

"Well, I don't know about that - maybe more of the 'class clown' type of kid. Do people like class clowns?"

James laughed softly, thinking back to the joke Louis had made when they first met. He had been so nervous that he hadn't been able to think of what to say in the moment. Despite how flustered he had felt, he knew that he was captivated by Louis' openness and kindness from the moment they met. "If it was you, it's hard for me to imagine them not liking you."

"If I had met you when you were a kid..." Louis paused for a second and James swallowed nervously. Their eyes met and he smiled.

"I think I would have seen your good heart, even then."

Silence hung in the air for a few seconds. James felt deeply touched, so much that he was speechless. After everything he had just told Louis, he couldn't believe that he was still able to see past that - and to see good.

He didn't know what came over him, but he pulled Louis close with an arm around the back of his neck, and suddenly they were kissing again - more passionately than they ever had before. The sensation of being held and kissed and feeling _wanted_  was overwhelming for James.

 _Oh, I'm definitely falling in love with him_ , he thought.

Once again, he felt everything else disappear as he kissed Louis. He could have forgotten his own name. The feeling of their lips pressed together felt so good and so right that he never wanted it to end. Suddenly his body felt hot all over and he became aware of how fast they were both breathing. They had never kissed this long and hard before. Nervousness was no longer at the back of their minds, instead they were swept up in their feelings of longing and desire in that moment. When they parted, they were both at a loss for words.

"O-oh, I, uh..." Louis struggled to speak, tripping over himself. "Wow..."

James laughed quietly, pulling the other boy into a tight embrace.

"With you, the first time we - that was my first kiss ever, you know."

"It was? I - I didn't know."

"Yup. I'm glad it was with you."

As James had started the embrace, Louis felt brave enough to bring them even closer together. He shifted downwards so that he could rest his head on the older boy's shoulder, lying on top of James' chest, with only thin layers of clothing separating them. He was about to glance upwards, to make sure this was okay, when he felt arms wrapping around his ribcage, keeping him in place.

They were pressed so close together that James could feel Louis' heartbeat and he was sure that the younger boy could feel his. Their chests rose and fell together as they breathed.

For a long moment, they were both speechless. Being pressed close to someone again brought so many feelings to the surface - things that James hadn't felt in years. There was an aching sensation in his chest, several heightened emotions overwhelming his senses.

Louis broke the silence eventually, craning his head upwards to meet James' eyes as he murmured, "Can you tell me something that made you happy recently?"

"Besides you?" 

"You flatter me, walker boy. Yes, besides me."

James didn't have to think for long as he recalled something that happened a few days ago that had made him very happy. "The last time I was arriving back at the school, I couldn't see anyone outside, and as I was walking up to the front door - I heard someone running towards the door from the inside. For a second, I thought something bad might have happened, for someone to be running like that. The thought had barely crossed my mind when Willy came through the door and practically tackled me. He squeezed me so tight. Tenn showed up a minute later, saying 'I saw him first.' He's so much more timid than Willy, but I could tell that he wanted to hug me, too. So I hugged him next. They were both so... happy to see me, I think? They started telling me about everything that had happened the night before - nothing out of the ordinary, but they seemed so excited to tell me. I've... never seen anything like it. Not that I can remember."

"You and the kids are probably the cutest thing I've ever seen," Louis said, positively beaming.

"You... really? I've never... been around children before. Ever. I don't know what to do around them. I can barely figure out what to say."

Louis chuckled softly, finding James' words endearing. "They already think that you're the coolest person ever, so I don't think you need to worry about that."

"I don't understand why they think I'm... 'cool', as Willy says. No one has ever called me that before."

"You listen to them, guide them - I can tell that you're protective of them and I'm sure they feel it too. In their eyes, you're a genius, a complete badass - you know more about survival than any of us. How to handle walkers, treating wounds, gathering food - everything. To them, you seem like you're not afraid of anything."

"I might seem that way, but... the truth is that some things do scare me. Maybe not walkers, but a lot of things... terrify me." 

"You're a human being. Of course you feel that way - we're all scared, whether we show it or not. But you - you're brave. And you care so deeply, so much. It's one of my favourite things about you."

"I can tell that you care a lot, too. About the others, about me..."

"Guilty as charged."

"Do you ever think about... what you would have liked to do, if none of this had happened?" James asked.

"It might be predictable, but I thought I'd make a great actor."

"An actor, huh? Hollywood actor or a stage actor?"

"I think the stage would have been nice - to be able to see the audience and hear them laughing at your jokes. To see that you're making people happy."

"I can see it," James smiled, picturing Louis acting on stage in his mind. "You're a natural born performer."

"You haven't heard me sing yet - I could be horrible, for all you know."

"I know you're not. I can tell from your voice. And I've seen you with the kids. Your imagination, your enthusiasm - you would have been a great actor. Even without a stage or an audience - that's still a part of you. If you want it to be."

"Can I sing something for you?"

James nodded, his cheek rubbing against Louis' hair. He could feel himself starting to blush before he had even started.

Somehow, Louis didn't feel nervous - he was so happy and he could feel that James was, too - and that was enough to make him forget any insecurities he might have had. Even if he wasn't good, he knew that James would enjoy it, and that was more important.

" _I've got you under my skin_

 _I've got you, deep in the heart of me_

 _So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me_

 _I've got you under my skin..._ "

Louis could only remember some of the words, so he hummed parts of the song instead. To his delight, he heard James join in - humming along with him.

When the song ended, they both laughed, feeling almost giddy.

"I... I think it would be fun to play something on the piano for you, sometime. If you want."

"I can't wait."

After a while, Louis shifted his position to lie on his side, pulling James to lie sideways with him. They pulled each other close, their noses brushing against each other briefly. The air had grown colder and James could feel Louis' warm breath against his cheek, sending shivers up and down his spine.

It had been so long, and James was so different now, that it felt like it was the first time someone had held him in this way, even though he knew that wasn't true. Or maybe being with Louis felt different because this kind of closeness was something he never dreamed he would feel again. 

"It is nice here. The peace and quiet," Louis said, his voice low because they were so close to each other.

"Feels like the world has stopped," James replied.

After a moment, Louis whispered, "I know that... being close to people is hard for you. It means so much to me that you trust me."

"You're good to me. You... accept me." 

James pulled him closer, his fingers clinging to the fabric of Louis' shirt. He didn't know what else to say, so he hoped that was enough of an answer. Louis wanted to reassure him, but as he felt his partner's arms tightening around him, he thought that the best thing he could do was to hold him tightly in return. They held each other close for a while, listening to their steady breathing and the crickets chirping outside. 

"The other day, Tenn was telling me that... he thinks one day, there will come a time without walkers."

"Smart kid," Louis smiled.

"You think so too?" James asked.

"His logic makes sense. The world moves in cycles. Everything ends eventually. Even if we never get to see that day - right now isn't so bad, is it?"

"...No, it's not so bad. I have you. And the others."

Louis beamed, pulling back just enough so that he could capture James' lips in a gentle kiss. He swore he could feel the older boy smiling even though it was too dark to see. He lowered his head back down, sighing blissfully.

"Do you think you'll be able to sleep, like this?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay. Goodnight, Jamesie."

"Goodnight." James noticed the nickname but decided not to mention it. It made him feel good to hear someone use an affectionate nickname for him, so he wouldn't complain.

The younger boy drifted off to sleep quickly and James felt himself nodding off as well, his body relaxed despite the closeness of their embrace. He was surprised that he felt safe and comfortable enough to sleep while holding Louis, but he wasn't going to question it. 

The feeling of his new partner fast asleep, breathing softly and so vulnerable in his arms made James feel a familiar ache in his chest. As he drifted off to sleep, a thought crossed his mind - one that had been buried for a while but was just now reaching the surface.

_I... already love him, don't I?_

_I love all of them._

He didn't dare wonder whether Louis loved him back - whether any of them loved him back. He could only take this one step at a time and he still needed to grow accustomed to this new revelation, this new feeling. Regardless of whatever the future might bring - in that moment, he felt like this feeling was sustaining him, filling him with warmth and meaning and happiness. For him, that was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyrics from "Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra, of course.


End file.
